And I Have Yet to Say I Love You
by fate's damned
Summary: Tsuzuki was attacked by a demon an spends several days in the infirmery recovering. When he finally wakes he has forgotten ever being dead. A Tsusoka fic. Rating high mainly to be safe. No Spoilers at all.complete
1. Chapter 1

sigh my third fic, second YnM fic. The plot lines not really anything revolutionary but I hope you enjoy this. Be nice if you review but please tell me constructive criticisms. I suck at writing and am trying to improving myself. Also no matter how many chapters you go through and read I don't own this series so this will be my general disclaimer for the whole fic.

Tsuzuki's mind was foggy, but that wasn't unusual. He didn't particularly want to clear it. He was surrounded in darkness, but he wasn't scared of it. No, he had learned it was best to drown in it instead. Now he was trying to do just that, but he could hear voices and despite his reluctance his consciousness was being pulled to the surface.

The final pull came when he clearly heard "Bon, he's going to be okay. He should be waking up anytime now."

Watari had been trying to get an icy Hisoka to eat something, or at least move. Since Tsuzuki had been dragged in here two days ago he had flatly refused to move from his spot. Tsuzuki _had_ been beat up pretty badly, but the wounds had healed quickly and it now seemed that the only reason he probably hadn't regained conscious earlier was due to pure exhaustion. The two of them had been working non-stop for two weeks on their latest case; they had hardly slept.

Hisoka, of course, had been informed several times that Tsuzuki was fine, just exhausted, but paid it no mind, preferring to see for himself that Tsuzuki would be okay. Besides he wanted to be there the moment Tsuzuki woke up so he call him ten kinds of idiot for being so reckless.

He watched attentively and sat up stiffly when he saw Tsuzuki's eyebrows furrow. Tsuzuki's eyes took their time opening and when they did he looked...very un-Tsuzuki like. He was too dazed and inattentive and Hisoka found himself praying that it was the after effect of two days of unconsciousness.

_'Ah, so I'm still alive'_ was the first clear thought Tsuzuki had

Tsuzuki turned his head to look at the two other people in the room. One was sitting in front of him, looking oddly stressed; the other was behind fiddling with some equipment. The room he was in was unrecognizable, but that wasn't odd. He was in a different room every time he woke up.

Tsuzuki was surprised when the boy suddenly grabbed his hand. "Tsuzuki you idiot! What on earth do you think you were doing!" Hisoka scolded, though he was sure that his eyes gave away how relieved he was, besides Tsuzuki had to _know_ that he would be worried about him.

Tsuzuki gave him a puzzled look with matching puzzled feelings, causing a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. Something wasn't right, Tsuzuki was acting strange. He normally would have began pouting now because Hisoka was so mean or start teasing him for worrying so much.

"Ah, Tsuzuki you're awake. Good thing too, bon was worried sick!" Tsuzuki just gave Watari a blank look. Watari seemed to sense something was odd but didn't give it much thought. "Do you remember what happened?"

_'After I tried to kill my self again?'_ Tsuzuki decided it best just to shake his head and let the doctor get a kick out of telling him.

Hisoka paled several shades, the close contact allowed him to pull the thought from Tsuzuki's head. What on _earth_ was Tsuzuki thinking all of sudden! This didn't make sense...

"You were brought in two days ago your injuries healed quickly, but you were so exhausted you've been sleeping the whole time."

Wow, two days? That was fast even for him. He was usually out for several months before he regained any sort of consciousness.

Hisoka was still sensing the direction and shape of Tsuzuki's thoughts as well as the occasional clear thought from him but Tsuzuki himself seemed incapable of forming too many. Hisoka tightened his grip on the man's hand, but if Tsuzuki looked at him he didn't know; he was now looking intently at the floor.

"If you need to know anything before that you'd have to ask bon, he was the only one there. The girl is safe though, and that's good." Watari continued casually, after all it was perfectly normal for someone to forget the time they were hurt or even the time directly preceding it. He blamed Tsuzuki's odd demeanor on drowsiness.

His new doctor was just spewing nonsense now (he was his new doctor right?). He was completely sure he was alone when he had tried it, otherwise they would have stopped him from putting the blade to his wrist in the first place.

Watari was about to say something more but was cut off by Hisoka standing abruptly. The way the boy was looking at the floor, one would almost think he was talking to it instead of Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki, do you know where you are?"

Tsuzuki shook his head

Hisoka didn't seem shocked by this revelation, Watari how ever was. "Tsuzuki, you should know the infirm--"

"Do you know who he is?" Hisoka cut him off.

Tsuzuki was sure it was something in the boy's voice that made him want to give a verbal answer, which was odd as he never spoke with anyone in the hospitals _ever_. "...No" Tsuzuki found his voice amazingly clear for someone who hadn't used it in eight years.

Watari just froze, confused by what he had just heard. Hisoka balled his fist tightly in his hand, his nails almost breaking the skin. He forced himself to look up and meet Tsuzuki's eyes, but he was unable to see the worry there. He was too consumed with unrest of what seemed to be the inevitable answer to the question he was about to ask to really _see_ anything at all. "Tsuzuki...what about me?" His voice was a scared whisper "Do you know who _I_ am?"

When Tsuzuki answered "no" Hisoka looked down again and fled from the room. This was one of the times when even Tsuzuki wasn't allowed to see him cry.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to my eight reviewers! I apologize the first chapter was so short. They get longer, I promise. ( although this ones not all that much longer)

Well, this was unexpected.

Watari was now performing every test he could think of on Tsuzuki trying to explain the disappearance of his memory. The man had not received any horrible head trauma, and besides Tsuzuki was a shinigami, a blow to the head would not have been enough to lose his memory like that. It seemed to be spell, or demon related. Hopefully it wasn't something too complicated, something that could be easily dealt with...

"I'm going to take your top off now to check for marks." Watari said as he began to push back the man's yukata. Tsuzuki was unresponsive, as he had been since Hisoka had run off, but then he hadn't exactly been that responsive before either.

Well there were no clearly visible marks on his back, he'd have to go back over it with a microscope, or maybe a black light could turn out something new, or maybe...

"Excuse me, am I interrupting something?" Watari jumped at the sound of Tatsumi's voice, he hadn't even heard the door open. "Tsuzuki-san, are you feeling any better?" Watari pulled Tatsumi out of the room after he saw the perplexity on Tsuzuki's face. "Watari-san, I hope you have a good excuse for pulling me into the hallway so roughly."

"Tsuzuki has lost his memories." Watari was blunt; his head was still spinning with theories and explanations.

"Excuse me?"

"Tsuzuki remembers nothing...or very little…-it seems he doesn't know who anyone is, or where he is."

Tatsumi took off his glasses to clean them despite the fact that they were spotless; he was obviously trying to stay calm. "How much did he forget?"

"I don't know, he didn't seem to even recognize you, so a lot."

The glasses were back on, but Tatsumi kept fiddling with them, Watari wondered If Tatsumi realized what he was doing. "Does Kurosaki-kun know?"

"Yes, he's the one who figured it out, but he didn't take it too well, he ran off. I don't know where he is now." Watari added before he could be questioned on the matter.

"I think it's as good of a response as we could expect...let me go talk to him, we at least need to know how much he forgot."

Yeah, that probably would be helpful, shame he hadn't thought of it. "All right, but I need to do blood work."

Hisoka had run out of JuOhCho, his tears trickling down his cheeks. He had managed not to sob until he reached the riverbank that Tsuzuki always visited when he was depressed. He sat in front of a tree near the bank, hugging his legs tightly to his chest and his head buried in his knees.

He wasn't crying now, not really, he hated crying so he had forced himself to stop, but his eyes were still bright with several unshed tears. Now, he was staring off into space blankly, brooding over what was going on.

Right now, he could leave and Tsuzuki wouldn't notice or care. All he was too Tsuzuki was some freak-boy who had ran out of the room, for a reason he couldn't even guess at. The amethyst eyed man had only told him his feelings six month's ago, now Hisoka was nothing to him. And Hisoka hadn't ever told him. He had never told him how much he loved him.

And he did love him, more then he ever thought possible. Even earlier than six months ago he had felt this way, and known it too.

But he had been scared; terrified of countless, meaningless 'what ifs'. He had tried to tell Tsuzuki more than once that he felt the same way. Every time, however, he panicked, he would start sweating horribly, and all his blood would rush from his face, and the colors in the room would start to swirl together.

He had tried, but not hard enough. Because if he had tried harder Tsuzuki would have known how much he loved him, and then maybe he would have remembered him.

And he was being selfish.

He hugged his knees tighter when he realized it. He hated himself when he got like that, when he started acting childish.

But it hurt, and it wasn't fair. He didn't even remotely know how to deal with something like this. How was he supposed to help Tsuzuki?

And he was most certainly going to help in any way he could.

He would _not_ abandon Tsuzuki no matter what the circumstances.

These thoughts helped give him strength. He had to get himself together; he had to be there for his partner, maybe now more then ever.

-------

-------

"So...I'm a shinigami?" Tsuzuki's face was blank as he asked this. Part of him wanted to laugh and ask the man to tell him something he didn't know.

Fortunately, Tatsumi was a never ending fountain of patience, especially when it came to his old partner. "Yes Tsuzuki-san, as I said, you've been dead for a little over seventy years now." Tatsumi paused hoping to get a response from Tsuzuki aside from the indifferent stare. The other man was so indifferent to his situation that Tatsumi couldn't be sure if Tsuzuki even believed him. Failing to get Tsuzuki to do so much as blink, Tatsumi opened his mouth to speak again, only to be cut off by a new voice in the room.

"You still had strong attachments to this world, so you were allowed to work here." Both men turned to look at the boy, Tatsumi wondered how long he had been there. It couldn't have been long; his senses couldn't be _that_ bad.

"Ah, Kurosaki-kun!" Tatsumi knew he was voicing a little too much of his relief that the boy was finally here. Not that he had any qualms about taking care of Tsuzuki; it just wasn't his duty anymore. "I was just getting to that, but you could probably do a better job." he was serious, there was no point in pretending that there was anyone who knew Tsuzuki half as well as. He looked at Tsuzuki as he stood to leave. "This is your partner, Kurosaki Hisoka. He will probably do a better job of filling you in on the necessary details. Kurosaki-kun I leave the rest to you." He was halfway down the hall when a running Watari crashed into him.

"Ah, Tatsumi-san...did you leave Tsuzuki by himself?" Watari seemed too ignore the collision, and that they were both on the ground right now. "I was just about to go do more blood work. There's another theory I came up with..." It seemed to be a habit of Watari's when he was focused on one thing; he couldn't be bothered with the little details of life, such as finishing sentences.

"Watari-san, I know this is important, but if you could, please at least give Kurosaki-kun twenty-minutes alone with him."

"Ah, so bon came back? I'm glad, I was worried when he disappeared for so long."

"I think he's handling it better then anyone could have hoped. For Kurosaki-kun to have Tsuzuki-san forget about him, the single most important person in his life, it's probably more traumatizing then we could imagine." To that Watari could only nod.

"So I really am dead?" Tsuzuki was having problems completely grasping this. According to this boy in front of him and the man from before he was a shinigami, someone who brought stray souls in for judgment.

What a perfect job for him; it must be his fate to destroy the innocent.

The boy seemed to cringe a little, he couldn't quite figure out why. "Yes, for more then seventy years now." He found himself believing the boys words; probably more easily then he should. But it seemed natural to trust him. The man before had said this was his partner..."Yes, I've been your partner for about three years now." Had he said that aloud?

He breathed in deeply, God help him but he believed the boy. It scared him to think he had lost seventy years, it scared him to wake up in a hospital again, but most of all it scared him to think that he had _chosen_ to continue existing, especially as a murderer.

He felt his hand being squeezed gently. The boy, Kurosaki, looked to be on the verge of tears. It was a surprising change from how overly composed he had been. Kurosaki pushed Tsuzuki's bigger hand to rest on his face. The boy spoke softly, but firmly. "I promise I won't leave you alone."

It also scared him that this boy cared so much.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you again to those who bother to review this fic. A special thanks to sesshouUchihaLUVER for giving me suggestions on improvement. They probably wont show in this fic because it's pretty much written but I'll make sure to keep them in mind for my next fic.

"Watari-san, can I take him home now?"

Watari gave Hisoka an uneasy look. He had finished all the testing he could do for now, but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea to let the man leave the hospital yet. "Bon, I'm not sure if that's a good idea. We still don't know what caused this."

Hisoka frowned "You've done all the testing you can, haven't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"Then let me take him home!" Hisoka was almost glaring at Watari for his reluctance. Tsuzuki hated hospitals, Hisoka had known this for a while now and he could certainly relate, so he was going to get the man out as soon as possible. "It's not like I'm going to abandon him there, I'll stay with him."

"But bon-"

"I agree with Kurosaki-kun. If he is physically okay, then there's no reason to keep him." Watari had forgotten Tatsumi was here. Watari sighed, they were both sort of right, and he truthfully didn't want to keep Tsuzuki either. He had seen him depressed but never _this _bad.

"Fine, but stay where you can hear the phone."

Hisoka turned to leave, but paused at the door. "Watari-san, Tsuzuki's memories, we'll be able to get them back right?"

Watari gave him a soft, sad smile. "I hope so bon, I hope so." Watari watched as the boy as he went down the hall back towards the infirmary. "I wonder if _bon_ is going to be okay."

"Like I said before, Watari-san, I think he is taking this better then we could have hoped."

"He certainly has become even more defensive of his partner."

"Which is good. Kurosaki-kun is the only person who stands a chance at getting Tsuzuki-san out of this constant depression. He's already done more in a day then I had been able to do in two months."

"Did Tsuzuki really used to be this depressed? I mean, I've never seen him this bad."

"Yes..." It was a painful recollection only kachou and himself had, everyone else had become shinigami much later. "For years Tsuzuki-san was like this." _And I couldn't do anything_. "More importantly, have you figured anything out at all?"

"I won't know anything until I get the test results back." He said. He decided not to mention the knot this whole situation was leaving in his stomach.

Tsuzuki seemed to relax bit now that he was outside. "So this is the land of the dead?" Hisoka just nodded. "It's so pretty." Hisoka was just glad that Tsuzuki was talking to him; he had hardly said a word since he woke up. "So where are we going?"

Hisoka pushed down the urge to snap at the man for not paying attention earlier. "Were going to your house, where you should be more comfortable." Tsuzuki nodded, as if he had known all along. The rest of the way to Tsuzuki's was silent. Hisoka knew that the man had a lot of information to sort through, but it still made him a little tense. They opened the door to see that Tsuzuki's apartment was the same as when Hisoka saw it last; messy.

He supposed 'messy' might not be the word so much as cluttered. The man's futon was out and covered in stuffed animals, trinkets lined every shelf, and scrolls and paintings lined the walls. Plants were also tucked into many a corner. Tsuzuki usually ate out, so the dishes were almost all done. Hisoka was so used to his sparsely decorated and slightly larger apartment that Tsuzuki's always seemed sort of messy.

Tsuzuki looked around the place curiously. Both of them kicked off their shoes, and Tsuzuki started looking around while Hisoka moved to the kitchen to make some tea.

"So I live here?" Tsuzuki was being so cautious, which wasn't strange considering his current condition, but it was strange because it was Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki usually dove into things head first, seeing him be all careful was just..._odd._

Hisoka nodded "Sit own and relax a bit, the tea is almost ready." Tsuzuki did as he was told, selecting the beat up couch as his place of rest. Moments later Hisoka emerged from the kitchen, two cups of tea in hand. He slid the one laced with sugar across the table to Tsuzuki.

"Thank you." Tsuzuki told him and he took a sip. "Wow, this is good!" Tsuzuki seemed honestly surprised the tea tasted okay.

Hisoka gave him a look "Only you would think something with that much sugar in it tastes good."

Surprisingly despite Hisoka's attitude, Tsuzuki seemed to relax a little more. "Ah, but sweet things are so good! You don't like them?"

And of course, the more relaxed Tsuzuki was the more relaxed Hisoka was. "I hate them, yet you always seem to try to shove them down my throat." Hisoka grumped.

Tsuzuki frowned a bit "It doesn't seem natural to dislike sweets; It can't be healthy."

"Not _healthy_?" Hisoka asked critically, pleasantly ignoring the fact that they have had this conversation several times before. "What's not healthy is the way you eat your weight in them daily!"

Tsuzuki cocked his head to the side. "Do I really eat a lot of them?"

Oh yeah, Tsuzuki had forgotten his entire afterlife. Hisoka hid his dejection "Yes..." He pictured the apple pie he had gotten for the man a week ago, for another (failed) attempt to confess his feelings. He smiled a bit at the memory, for Tsuzuki had been so shocked that _Hisoka_ had bought him an apple pie that he had immediately glomped him, and planted the smallest of kisses on his forehead (which was actually why he had been unable to confess). "If you want I can run out later and get you an apple pie."

"It's been so long since I've had apple pie, I hardly remember it. Not since Ne-chan made one for my birthday when I was 16." Tsuzuki did his best to stay at peace with the happy part of the memory and not let it flow into something that didn't need to be remembered. Being with Kurosaki seemed to make that easier.

"Really?" Hisoka was surprised, and he loved hearing about Tsuzuki's sister. The man had slowly been revealing her to him, usually with a soft warm smile while they ate the dinner Hisoka had prepared for them. Tsuzuki nodded, but didn't say more. "There's a bakery nearby in Chijou, I could run out later, or you could come with me." Part of him was slightly surprised that it was _him _inviting _Tsuzuki _to a bakery.

"I'd like that." Tsuzuki said, but fell silent for several moments "Ne, Kurosaki," Hisoka was glad Tsuzuki was looking down; it gave him a chance to hide the pain of hearing the new level of formality from Tsuzuki. Shame he couldn't hide it from himself. "We were pretty close, weren't we?"

Hisoka just stared for a moment, and then closed his eyes trying to relax. 'Close' wasn't quite the word for their relationship. "Yes Tsuzuki, we were very close." And he still wanted to be, no matter what became of the current situation.

Tsuzuki continued to look down but the slight pull of his lips was reassuring. Tsuzuki had not smiled since he had woken, but this was close; and if close was the best he could do, then for now Hisoka would take what he could get.

Watari had been on his computer for eighteen hours straight and, thanks to the four pots of coffee, was still going strong. All tests he performed had been normal; in fact they had been perfect. This only worried Watari more. Tsuzuki's body could not possibly be in better health, which shouldn't be the case of someone who had been unconscious for two and a half days after a bad run in with a demon; even if it was Tsuzuki they were talking about. It had to be a trick; some sort of spell the demon put on him or something like that.

He had been scanning the digital records for hours, looking for those that had similar symptoms (if you could call perfect health a symptom). But Watari was beginning to doubt that they had been uploaded on the computer yet, JuOhCho had existed long before the computer and while they were trying to put all the records on the computer, medical records were not a high priority, so there were _only _about three-thousand uploaded now. The Gushoshin were going through the remaining paper records now.

Another three hours and he was out of coffee and his caffeine high was running low. He was about to get up to try and find sugar in the break room so he could keep going when Tatsumi walked in with two hot cups of coffee and three strudels. "You've been at it all night so I figured you might need an energy boost, Watari-san.

"Tatsumi-san!" Watari said, gratitude dripping from his voice "Thank you, I ran out of coffee two hours ago." Tatsumi gave him a small smile and sat across from him pushing a mug and the plate towards him. "But what are you doing here so early it's only..." he glanced at the clock "Oh it's already five in the morning, but that's still early for you."

"I was helping the Gushoshin. I figured if this has you so worked up that you needed to stay the night, it must be more dangerous then a simple bump on the head."

"I hate this, Tatsumi-san, none of this makes sense. Tsuzuki's health is so _perfect_. The tests I did show absolutely nothing is wrong with him."

"What?"

"It makes no sense. You have to understand that his health is absolutely perfect, it's completely flawless. No living thing has such perfect health naturally. Living things always have something out of whack. Its proof their responding to their environment. No ones body is ever not fighting _something_ off, and thus there is a range in every statistic you take, rather blood pressure or pulse or anything else. Tsuzuki is not really in the "range" for anything though; he hits all the numbers dead on. He is in completely optimal health. "

Tatsumi looked down as if in thought, but he sighed "Well I haven't found anything. Have you?"

"No, and I can only pray that there even is a record for us to find. If we have to go into this blind..."

"There _has_ to be a record of this somewhere." Tatsumi said with a strength that the scientist was grateful for.

"You're right," Watari said with a sigh "and we will find it."

It had taken all of Hisoka's control to not curl up under the covers with Tsuzuki, afraid that he might completely disappear now. He hadn't been able to leave the man, even after Tsuzuki had been asleep for several hours. So here he was sitting next to the elder shinigami, occasionally being daring enough to run a hand trough the man's silky hair.

And of course the four hours of silence had given him plenty of time to brood over the man's odd behavior. Tsuzuki would seem to calm a bit, begin to relax around him, but then he would realize it and rapidly withdraw into himself. It was horribly reminiscent of how Hisoka himself had been when he had first become a shinigami.

And it hurt not to have Tsuzuki's trust, even more then it did to know the man had completely forgotten him.

It was hard to stay strong, to not break down and cry in complete frustration and confusion. It wasn't that there was any temptation to leave the man. He would NEVER consider it, his place was by Tsuzuki's side only, and he would die before he gave it up. But the situation was so aggravating, and he had absolutely no idea of how to cope with this. It didn't help that he couldn't talk to his emotional pillar, Tsuzuki, about it. That wasn't even a option, he knew Tsuzuki well enough to know that if he did Tsuzuki would blame himself for losing his memories; not to mention that Tsuzuki had a hell of a lot of his own problems to deal with.

Heh. When he thought about everything Tsuzuki was going through he felt like such a spoiled child.

He looked at the clock; it was now two in the morning. He knew he should take out a spare blanket from the closet and sleep on the couch. He _was_ tired; he hadn't slept in three days now, but it was still hard to pull away. Tsuzuki's apartment was small and he didn't even have a separate bedroom, so when Hisoka had worked up the determination to sleep, he was comforted by the fact he was still in the same room.

He closed his eyes and fell asleep only to be woken by the phone...oh, he had slept for six hours now. Tsuzuki stirred a bit before waking and staring at the phone. Hisoka hoped that Tsuzuki was just too tired and the phone was not a foreign device. Hisoka moved to answer it "I'll get it. Hello."

"Ah Kurosaki-kun," It was Tatsumi "Kachou needs you to come in and give a report on what happened on your last mission."

Crap, He had forgotten about the report. Now that they had managed to move him from his partner's bedside, it was only natural they'd actually want to know why the man had needed hospitalization in the first place. "Now? But Tsuzuki..."

"Tsuzuki-san should be fine by himself for an hour. You can return right after you finish giving us your report. Watari almost came over to drag you in at five thirty in the morning in hope you could give us more of an idea what we were looking for in terms of a cure."

Well that got his attention. If they help them figure out how to get Tsuzuki's memories back naturally he would tell them whatever the needed to know. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."

Twenty-five minutes later Hisoka was opening the door to Kachou's office. The Gushoshin, Watari and Tatsumi were in there as well. "Pardon the intrusion. Umm..."

"Kurosaki-kun, come in and proceed."

"Be specific bon, I need all the info I can get, my test turned up nothing."

Not what he wanted to hear, but he could deal with it. Breathe in and begin.

Kurosaki had told him he had to run into work to give a report but he would be back soon. He promised to bring muffins or strudels for breakfast. He had thanked him politely. Whatever a strudel was, it was beyond him. Ne-chan had made pies and muffins, but those were few and far between. They were also the only two western sweets he had ever had.

He felt oddly scared now that Kurosaki had left. Of course being with the boy scared him sometimes too. He wasn't used to having someone _be there _like the boy was. Kurosaki fussed and grumped over and at him, and it felt so right that it had to be wrong.

He did not deserve such a relationship.

There was no reason for the boy to stay.

Was he really dead?

That last thought struck him, but it had kept sneaking up on him. That was scary too. And the house was so empty and quiet now that Kurosaki had left. Now that he thought about it he doubted the boy would be back, which hurt more then it ever should. And was he really dead?

He wandered into the bathroom, his thoughts assaulting him the whole way. There was one way to find out for sure if he was dead, and if this was really his house it shouldn't be that hard to find. It wasn't in the medicine cabinet, but that didn't surprise him, that was too obvious. So he checked under the sink, and he didn't see it in there, but he wasn't discouraged. He spotted a plant on a shelf and knew. He pulled it down, and...Ah... there it was. With only a little trouble he was able to push the blade up.

"It sounds like a shadow demon." Tatsumi said when it seemed Hisoka had finished talking. "They're vicious."

"Did it make any noise? Could it talk?" Watari had been taking notes the entire time.

"Not while we were fighting it, but it did when it was dying. It screeched horribly, I suppose it could have been words, but I didn't recognize the language." and it _had_ been burning to death.

Watari nodded and Hisoka checked the clock, it had taken thirty-seven minutes. He didn't like how long it had taken to give his report. He had this bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He stopped by the break room to grab some pastries that Wakaba had made and left the building resisting the urge to run.

Tsuzuki was fine by himself. Right?

The first cut was light, and he was surprised to see it heal before he lifted the blade; too fast to even allow the blood to leave the wound. Someone had said something about healing powers.

More.

There had to be more.

The second cut traced the scar that had supposedly killed him. It was much deeper; he made sure that the blade from the box-cutter completely submerged into his skin. He frowned when the blood trickled over his wrist, a few drops hitting the floor, but healed seconds latter. But he still couldn't _feel_ it.

He hated this.

He needed more.

More!

He wanted to feel it so bad!

He raised the blade for the third cut as if he was ready to chop his hand off. His mind was both whirling and completely empty. He wanted the darkness back. He needed his darkness back. His left hand brought the blade down as hard as he could.

It didn't hit his wrist.

It took a moment to register the warm arms clutching his. His brain taking possibly whole minutes to understand what had happened, and why the blade lay broken and the tile of his sink was chipped. Two emerald green eyes full of surprised fear, tears forming at their corners locked on his as if demanding an answer. The eyes held his tightly, even as he felt hands slide down to the wrist touching it lightly as if it might start bleeding again if he touched it to hard.

And all Tsuzuki could do was cry.

Hisoka wasn't sure how they had made it to the living room. Tsuzuki had tried to pull away at first but Hisoka hadn't let him. Tsuzuki only cried harder, clutching Hisoka.

And it hurt because he could feel such a pounding rush of swirling emotions that were so blurred together that he couldn't distinguish them. It hurt, but Hisoka pulled Tsuzuki into an embrace, holding him as tight as he possibly could because he'd be damned if he left Tsuzuki to cry alone. He would never let go of the man. Eventually he had been able to focus enough to rub Tsuzuki's back, occasionally whispering the few gentle comforts he knew. It had to be somewhere around then that he led Tsuzuki to the living room so that he could fall asleep somewhere less drafty then the bathroom floor.

So here they were now on the couch, Tsuzuki lying over Hisoka's lower body, head buried in the boy's chest and Hisoka leaning against the armrest rubbing Tsuzuki's back. Tsuzuki wasn't crying even half as hard as he had been. Now the man was lost somewhere between here and sleep with only the occasional sob and hiccup.

When Tsuzuki eventually made the crossing into a dreamless sleep, Hisoka began to think, possibly too much. He hadn't known Tsuzuki did that, though he probably should have known. How long had Tsuzuki been doing that? How long since he had last done that? He stopped rubbing Tsuzuki's back and pressed him a little closer. It hurt to think that Tsuzuki had probably been doing this since he first woke in Meifu some seventy years ago. It hurt more to be forced to wonder if maybe he wasn't enough to keep the blade from Tsuzuki's hands.

And then the phone rang.

Hisoka jumped from his thoughts, startled by the sudden noise in the quiet room. He turned his head to give it a death glare, as if everything in the world was its fault, but made no other motions to acknowledge it. He didn't want to move from his position, when it stopped he assumed that was the end of that.

Not ten minutes later Tatsumi let himself in. He stared at the two for moment "I take it that this is why you didn't pick up the phone."

"...Something happened. I can't leave him now." He held the man tighter as if he as afraid that Tatsumi might tear them apart and drag him off to work.

"Then he has to come with us _now_." Tatsumi said in a stern but gentle voice that only he could do "Watari found out something and he's in a bit of frenzy."

Hisoka shook Tsuzuki a little but he didn't even stir. "I think he's exhausted."

Tatsumi nodded, Hisoka was pretty sure he knew that Tsuzuki had probably cried himself to sleep. "I'll carry him."

Hisoka blushed uncomfortably "All the way there?"

"We can teleport in front of the building."

Hisoka nodded and reluctantly allowed Tatsumi to lift Tsuzuki. This was one of those times where he was pissed that he not big enough now, nor would he ever, to carry Tsuzuki. Seeing Tatsumi easily carry Tsuzuki into the infirmary and place him gently on a bed with such utter ease, how could it not make Hisoka jealous?

Two minutes later a stone-faced Watari and a tense Konoe Kachou joined them in the infirmary. Watari spoke almost directly to Hisoka.

"His soul has been cursed."


	4. Chapter 4

So, yeah this is the pathetic ending to my pathetic fic. Thank you to all those who took the time to read it and a bigger thanks to those who bothered to review. I hope my ending doesn't totally suck. I hope it doesn't get confusing; I didn't have this proofread as many times as I normally do. Please complain if anything is off or you don't like how a part was written. This is my last appeal for constructive criticism before I start my next fic.

Watari hated the dead silence of the room as he explained the seriousness of Tsuzuki's condition. He wondered if anyone had so much as breathed since he had uttered the words 'cursed'. Hisoka in particular had gone pale – but that was to be expected.

"This curse is currently eating away at his soul." Watari watched as Hisoka clenched his fist so hard; Watari knew it had to be drawing blood. "That demon you were fighting, in order to preserve itself, sacrificed its physical body for the energy to place a curse on Tsuzuki. The demon is using the curse to absorb Tsuzuki's soul." Watari hated being the bearer of bad news, he hated the oppressing silence, and he hated the look in Hisoka's eyes that he couldn't even begin to comprehend.

"Where is it?" the way Tatsumi had spoken the words made it seem like it wasn't a question. He expected the answer as much as he expected air when he took a breath.

Unfortunately the answer wasn't there. "I don't know. The GuShoShin are working on that, but at the moment we have more pressing matters." Because Tatsumi's careless strategy of kill first ask questions later that he implemented whenever the amethyst eyed man was in danger just wasn't going to cut it. "We have to find a way to get Tsuzuki's soul back to him. Confronting the demon in battle will not only cause the demon to use the part of the soul that it's absorbed to attack us with, thus losing that part of the soul, but it will also speed the curse up and cause Tsuzuki's soul to be taken from him at a much faster rate, which the demon would most definitely use to attack us with, and then 'Tsuzuki' would, essentially, cease to exist, he would be nothing but a soulless body."

"It sounds as if you're saying that there is a way to retrieve his soul." Konoe asked cautiously, hoping that the answer didn't just make everyone's distress worse.

"Theoretically, yes." Watari took a deep breath and wondered if this could be counted as good news or not. "The demon probably wants to make the most out of the energy that he is absorbing from Tsuzuki's soul to form the most suitable body for itself. To do that it can't use the energy it absorbs on anything. It won't even change the energy until it knows what it wants it to become."

Well, whether it was good news or bad it served to make Hisoka a little less pale, and whether it was the hope or the feeling that they had a very limited time until Tsuzuki's soul was lost completely, Hisoka looked more determined then he ever had.

Tatsumi, for once in his existence, did not know what to do with himself. He had always been secure on the knowledge that, even if he wasn't Tsuzuki's partner he could burst in and destroy whatever must be destroyed in order to protect him. This time, however, protecting Tsuzuki seemed to be completely out of his hands.

He also was of no use to Watari. Since the meeting six hours ago the blond shinigami (who was operating completely on caffeine) was trying to use the curse it self to find the demon. It involved a computer program, a blood sample, and a lot of big words that Tatsumi didn't think he could hope to comprehend in the necessary period of time.

The research of how to properly return Tsuzuki's soul to his body was held exclusively by Kurosaki and Konoe. It must be noted that Tatsumi is a shadow master, thus he had his powers since birth, and unlike Kurosaki, had never had the need, or truly the ability, to expand them. This lack of knowledge in the spell casting area made him ill suited to aide Kurosaki and Konoe in their search. In layman's terms, he would have to ask so many questions as to the meaning of things, he would slow the process rather then speed it up.

So he had basically been left to tend to Tsuzuki, who hadn't woken up yet. Watari had hooked him up to several machines and asked Tatsumi to keep watch. Tatsumi, needless to say, was not a medical doctor. He had no clue what most of the machines were for, and thus he was sitting uselessly in a chair in front of the bed. He was left to dwell on how much help he wasn't being.

And now one of the machines had started to beep rather unpleasantly and in a way that made him feel like it was slightly more then necessary retrieve Watari so he could decode the meaning of the incessant beeping.

What a wonderful week it was turning out to be.

Hisoka wondered if this was really happening. This wasn't some sort of expression or statement that someone in his situation would ask in a fit of grief. He honestly was wondering if this was really happening. It didn't seem like there was a world anymore. There just seemed to be him Tsuzuki and Watari's words left.

And now the demon had such a large part of Tsuzuki's soul that Tsuzuki couldn't even regain consciousness.

He threw the book to the side with more force then he normally would have used.

Tsuzuki would have saved him already if the roles had been reversed. He hated the way that was almost an accusation in his mind, the way he was on the verge of blaming Tsuzuki for his shortfalls when it came to rescuing the older amethyst eyed man.

He threw the next book in the reject pile hard enough to scatter the books that were on top. Useless.

Whether he was talking about the book or about himself, he wasn't sure.

It was eight hours later and all they had was a general idea of where the demon was. The area had been narrowed down as much as it could without actually going down and looking for it. Finding it wouldn't be all that hard, it wouldn't have any shields.

The real problem was that they had failed to find a spell that would return Tsuzuki's soul back to him. There was plenty of spells dealing with stealing souls, but they all just absorbed souls into one's own body, they didn't return them.

"This is bad." Probably the stupidest thing someone could say right now, but Watari had let the comment drift across the room of sullen people. The atmosphere was tense and it seemed as if someone was playing with the gravity, making them all slightly heavier then normal.

"Are you sure there's nothing?" Tatsumi asked Konoe seriously.

"I'm sure. Not in the library anyway, and it would take too long to get any other books that may be of use."

The room fell into silence again. Watari squirmed a bit; the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Hisoka clenched his fist. There was nothing he could do. He was weak and useless, always Tsuzuki's clingy partner; only now Tsuzuki wasn't going to be here anymore, because there was nothing he could do and it was the most horrible thing because he also didn't have the slightest inkling as to how to follow Tsuzuki where he was going, and the swirling emotions his empathy was picking up only made this worse and

And his empathy…

"My empathy…" he said just above a whisper.

"Bon" Watari looked at him with worry. "Is your empathy bothering you?"

He was quiet for a moment considering "We could use my empathy…"

"Use it?" Tatsumi seemed ready to hear anything.

"There were spells that could absorb souls…but they would have taken both the demon's and Tsuzuki's soul, blending them together."

"We know this Kurosaki-kun." No one really wanted to be reminded of how hopeless the situation was.

Hisoka hesitated, but not at Tatsumi's curtness "…Maybe I could try using my empathy to separate the souls. I could use my empathy to distinguish between the two souls and if I concentrated enough I should be able to only use the spell on Tsuzuki's soul"

Everyone seemed to consider this, Watari nodded a few times; it was a good idea "Do you think you can?"

"I've never tried, but yes, I do think I can." He was sure he could find Tsuzuki's soul, there's no way he wouldn't recognize it.

"Would you be able to keep it separated once you used one of the absorption spells? And will you be able to give it back?" Tatsumi asked hopefully.

Hisoka paused; he had forgotten that last part. Watari answered for him "If bon can separate the soul from his own he should, theoretically, be able to use his empathy to sort of offer the soul back to Tsuzuki, it should be attracted to itself and reenter his body."

Konoe turned to Hisoka "I don't like this…Tsuzuki's soul is practically gone now. If this did work you have almost an entire soul contained within you, and Tsuzuki's is bigger then most, if you let your barriers slip at all not only would we lose Tsuzuki but the shock your body would have to deal with would most likely destroy your soul."

"I just won't slip then." Hisoka answered sharply; it really wasn't an option.

Konoe looked at him levelly "You've never done this before, it's more dangerous then you think. You shouldn't do it." Hisoka opened his mouth to interject; he would never be able to live with himself unless he tried everything, no matter the risk, but Konoe didn't let him get a word out. "But I might allow it, if you let Tatsumi go with you, _and_ if you promise to make some attempt, if at all possible, to expel the soul from your body if you start to lose your hold."

"He's right. We don't want to lose both of you." Watari said seriously, catching Hisoka a bit off guard.

Tatsumi nodded "Besides Tsuzuki-san would be upset with all of us if we allowed you to die for his sake."

Hisoka just blushed and walked out of the room saying he was going to practice the absorption spell. They were his 'family' weren't they; the one he always wanted with people who cared about you unconditionally. He didn't dislike the thought, but he was still not used to it. He needed more time before he could ever hope to be able to respond or even truly acknowledge it. He hated his awkwardness; it had only caused him problems since he had died.

_It was raining that day, a light spring rain. It was weird, it rarely rained in Meifu, but it had been steady all day. Hisoka didn't really like the rain, but at least it wasn't storming out. He shifted a bit in his chair trying to find the position where he had the most light to illuminate the pages of his book. It was a day off of work and naturally since he had finished his chores the rest of the day would be spent enjoying the book he had checked out from the library._

_And then there was a knock at the door, which was weird because he wasn't on speaking terms with anyone near his house. He frowned and closed his book, placing it on a nearby table as he rose to answer the door. When he opened it, Tsuzuki was standing there, sopping, as he didn't have an umbrella, and was carrying a brown paper bag. "Good evening Hisoka!" He said, smiling with a happiness that made Hisoka wonder if he even knew he was wet. "I brought dinner." _

_"You idiot you're drenched, hurry and get inside!" Hisoka scolded him stepping to the left so Tsuzuki could enter. He took the bag from him and told him to hang his coat over the shower. Fortunately Tsuzuki's clothes weren't half as wet as his coat; Hisoka didn't have anything for him to change into. He pulled a towel out of the closet and threw it at him. Only Tsuzuki did stupid stuff like go out in the rain to get and bring him dinner. Hisoka's house was just about as out of the way from Tsuzuki's as you could get, so why the man would go to all the trouble was beyond him. "Honestly, were you even thinking?"_

_"It's just rain Hisoka." He said still smiling_

_Hisoka blushed at little at the way Tsuzuki was looking at him so directly. "It's cold and wet, why would you voluntarily go out in it?"_

_"To be with you." Tsuzuki responded simply, smiling sweetly as ever and making Hisoka's blush not so little anymore. He looked down and pretended Tsuzuki couldn't see it, and walked silently in to the kitchen. He opened the bag to find two large foam containers. "Carry out ramen. It's great on days like today." Hisoka nodded absently and pulled down bowls for them. Moments later they were sitting across from each other; Tsuzuki on Hisoka's love seat and Hisoka in the large chair he had previously been reading in. Tsuzuki had gotten Hisoka talking again, and Hisoka actually found this relaxing. They were just sitting there eating dinner, speaking lightly of nothing. It was simple, but for Hisoka it was always the simplest things that made him happy. A good book, Tsuzuki remembering he didn't like onions in his miso soup, the soft cool feel of his comforter when he first crawled into bed at night, the way he could relax completely when Tsuzuki was there, the way Tsuzuki looked at him when he spoke, as if he really was Tsuzuki's equal and what he said mattered, the way Tsuzuki cared about him unconditionally. Of course Hisoka wasn't sure that was all that simple but the way Tsuzuki did it, the way Tsuzuki did everything, it seemed simple. As if caring for and about Hisoka was something that just was, and it wasn't possible for it too be any other way. _

_Hisoka knew he was in love._

_It had taken months to realize it, many more to accept. And now it was his most guarded secret. It was stupid to think Tsuzuki would feel the same. He was important to Tsuzuki; Hisoka knew that. But in the end there was no way Tsuzuki desired the sort of relationship Hisoka had finally realized he wanted. Hisoka had given Tsuzuki no reason to believe he was more than some spoiled, clingy child. _

_Tsuzuki got ready to leave not long after dinner. It was still raining outside, so Hisoka had to lend him an umbrella. It was a blue one he had bought while out on a mission during the rainy season. He hated how cold and wet rain was, and Hisoka would never understand why anyone would go out in it unless they had to. Tsuzuki's coat hadn't dried yet, Hisoka noticed, when he went to go get it. There wasn't anything he could do about that. "And make sure you go straight home, a grown man shouldn't be messing around in the rain."_

_"Worried?" Tsuzuki asked. Hisoka just glared back; Tsuzuki should know by now that he didn't get answers for questions like that. He walked with Tsuzuki to the door and stood two steps behind the man as he pulled his shoes onto his feet. "…Hisoka?"_

_"What?" Not understanding Tsuzuki's sudden meekness, Hisoka's tone was sharp_

_"I'm in love with you." Tsuzuki didn't turn around when he said it, but he did drop his shields. The sudden rush of emotions hit Hisoka with as much force as a flying brick. There was so much need, gentleness, desire, understanding, confusion, warmth, color; so much love and certainly so much more then Hisoka had known was there. So much that Hisoka could hardly believe that Tsuzuki had managed to bury this deep enough that Hisoka hadn't sensed it ages ago (though hiding emotions was one of Tsuzuki's specialties). The feelings were strong and crisp, but somehow joined. The sudden rush of it was like being slapped, and it made Hisoka practically fall over with the entirety of it all._

_And then it was gone, and so was Tsuzuki, long before Hisoka was able to gather enough sense to respond in anyway._

Hisoka groaned quietly at the pain as he woke up; he had one of the worse headaches he had ever had. It took a moment but when his eyes finally focused he recognized the ceiling of the infirmary. He felt over where he knew someone must have left him a glass of water. He brought it to his lips and finished it in three gulps. The water was still cold and Hisoka hoped that was a sign he hadn't been in here long. He knew time was of the essence and he needed to get Tsuzuki's soul back. Despite the pain in his head, which the water had lessened slightly, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and slid off. He wondered how he had gotten there. He remembered training with Konoe-kachou but that was about as close to waking up in the infirmary as he could recall. The training was probably half the cause for the headache, the dream a moment ago the other. He frowned; he didn't want to obsess over Tsuzuki's confession right now. He noticed a steady beeping coming from the other side of the room and allowed his eyes to focus over there. It was Tsuzuki, which he probably should have been expecting but he hadn't been. He walked over to the bed Tsuzuki was laying on with the slow pace of hesitation. He stood above Tsuzuki and reached out to brush the bangs out of his closed eyes.

He didn't feel anything.

He reached out again, this time clasping the older man's hand and focused as hard as he could, Searching desperately for any sign of his partner in the shell of a body before him, any sign that he was still there. The dream he just had only served to make him more desperate. It almost hurt being reminded of the night Tsuzuki had confessed. He squeezed Tsuzuki's hand harder, probably enough to cause him pain had he been conscious. 'Come back to me' he allowed himself to think. He let go of Tsuzuki's hand when he finally did find a presence of sorts. He didn't like it, it was so empty just some vague neutral presence that wasn't anything like the partner Hisoka had fallen in love with.

"Ah, Bon, you're up." Hisoka turned to face Watari and Tatsumi as the crossed the infirmary. Watari began looking over the beeping machines that were connected to his partner. "He still has enough of a soul for your idea to work. Bon, are _you_ feeling better?"

No, he wasn't, but telling that to Watari-san seemed unproductive, so he just nodded. Tatsumi spoke to him next. "You passed out while training with kachou. With all the stress it's hardly surprising. He did say that he was pretty sure you had the hang of it…is that true?" He thought back to the training for a moment, but nodded his head confidently. He had it, he _knew_ he did. "Then we should leave quickly." Hisoka nodded again and went to respond verbally but was beat to it by Watari.

"I want Bon to eat something first."

"I'm not hungry, Watari-san."

Watari looked at him sharply, surprising Hisoka a bit. "When is the last time you ate?" Hisoka didn't have an answer for that. Eating had never been an immediate of his. "I'm not letting you go on any sort field mission when you haven't eaten in several days. Hisoka wondered if it had really been that long. Sure he didn't _remember_ eating but he didn't recall _not_ eating either.

Tatsumi adjusted his glasses and nodded. "If it's really been that long, then you should eat something before we go." Hisoka didn't nod this time, he really wasn't hungry.

"I'll be fine, let's just leave."

"Absolutely not," Watari handed him three doughnuts he must have got from the break room. "At the least finish those before you leave." Hisoka considered arguing, it was in his nature to argue when someone questioned his assessment of his own being. He looked down at the doughnuts; at least they weren't sugared. He sighed and began to eat, only to find the doughnuts quickly disappear into his mouth. And that he was in fact very hungry. He hated those stupid doughnuts for making him realize it; maybe it had been days since he had last eaten. Watari nodded when he saw Hisoka finish the doughnuts, and dismissed them to begin the mission, a bit reluctantly yes, but Tsuzuki hardly had any soul left so Watari had little choice.

Well they had found the demon. And Hisoka wondered if they were the first really the first to see it or if this thing had been eating random mortals. Why? They couldn't have been the first to follow that horrible smell of carrion through the large woods behind the small high school and stumble onto the cave that it had been residing in. Both Hisoka and Tatsumi stood motionless at the entrance of the cave both disturbed and thoroughly disgusted. The horrid stench was almost enough to actually knock Hisoka over and make him puke, but that wasn't the worst of it. When Watari said this thing was in need of a body, he meant it literally. It looked as if someone had destroyed its skin and scattered the innards about as easily as one breaks an egg. Purple, red, and blue ooze was every where and layered about an inch thick on the floor. It looked like the walls had pulsing veins growing on them. Beating lumps of what could be anything from rocks to hearts to stomachs were carelessly scattered about the cave. Tatsumi got his wits about him first and leaned over, whispering quietly in Hisoka's ear. "Where do we have to be so you can find the soul?"

Hisoka was thankful that Tatsumi had at least given him something to think about besides the smell, even more thankful his body had long since digested the doughnuts; puking in front of Tatsumi would be traumatizing. "We need to figure out what…lump…is its brain. That should be the center of its consciousness and our best bet at being able to find Tsuzuki's soul." The two scanned the cave but none of the lumps stood out to Hisoka. They really only had one guess at this too, if the demon realized they were here Tsuzuki's soul could easily disappear. Hisoka saw Tatsumi fidget a bit out of the corner of his eye and then Tatsumi leaned over to whisper again.

"I believe I found it." He must have used his shadows. He pointed straight ahead into a darkness that made Hisoka nervous before he was in it. "It's practically straight ahead; but we are going to have to be careful." Hisoka nodded and reached out that way with his empathy, lightly so as not to alert the demon.

"I think we can step on the ooze, but we have to be careful of the veins and lumps." Hisoka said as he locked onto what he was pretty sure Tatsumi must be talking about; the place where he felt the most consciousness. Tatsumi nodded and the two began to enter the cave. The stench somehow managed to be worse, but even more than that was the feeling of the ooze. It clung to Hisoka's sneakers, and he could feel it seeping through. It was thick like sludge and with every step it seemed to get a little deeper. Hisoka shivered a bit feeling completely on edge; even with so much on the line he had walked towards such darkness before. Why was it suddenly affecting him so? He realized it when he clenched his fist and dodged one of the hardly visible lumps. He wasn't holding Tsuzuki's hand. He almost hated himself for realizing it, but in such situations he always ended up holding Tsuzuki's hand. He had never realized it before now, but it was true. Somehow, whenever it got like this his hand would end up in Tsuzuki's, and that was enough to relax him; never mind that an extremely powerful shadow master whom he trusted was next to him. He really was weak, and he hated it. And then something happened that defied the laws of the universe.

Tatsumi stumbled.

He easily caught himself, but it wasn't a moment later there was horrible gurgling noise. Tatsumi had tripped over a vein. And now something was being hurled at them at high speed. They both jumped out of the way, and Hisoka instinctively began running towards the place that had previously had his empathy locked onto. "Tatsumi-san! Try and restrain it!" He was pretty sure he heard Tatsumi affirm, but couldn't be sure since he was using his empathy to try to lock onto the source again so he wouldn't be running blindly in the dark. When he found it he realized he was closer then he thought and dove towards the core. His hand touched what seemed to be lump of the muck and his hand went through it until he reached some slimy pulsing solid tissue. Ignoring completely his reflex to puke on the spot, he dove into the consciousness. It was like having a thousand pounds of ice water hit him. It was wretched, dark and he could feel no warmth. He almost got lost in the thing's mind right there but he felt an odd tingle of familiarity at the corner of his mind. He focused on it and realized what it was.

It was Tsuzuki's soul. And it was coming closer, as if it were being pulled on. The demon was dragging it up to convert it; to finally give itself a new body. Hisoka latched onto it with his empathy and began to pull. The demon pulled back, stronger then Hisoka could have expected, almost causing him to lose his hold. But he was stubborn and refused to let go, and began pulling again; he needed them separate enough that none of the demons soul would be absorbed with Tsuzuki's. The demon pulled harder and now Hisoka could feel it physically; it felt like he was being torn in half. He almost wondered if it made him scream; but he didn't have time for such thoughts. He pulled again this time letting every ounce of need; every ounce of love for this soul strengthen the hold he had on it. The demon slipped, and Hisoka began chanting. And all at once he could feel it inside of him. It was dizzying and hurt in its own way. It was so strong that he couldn't decipher anything. He worked quickly to separate it from his own, to hold it down. When he some how managed this monumental task he said as loud as he could, which could have easily have been a whisper. "I got it." and prayed Tatsumi heard him and knew to kill this damn thing.

Evidently Tatsumi did here him because he that sensed he was moving, and was shortly able to see that it was Tatsumi guiding him out of the cave. He couldn't feel him, but was thankful for that, one more feeling entering him and would break the delicate balance that kept the souls from colliding. It was strong enough that he wanted to puke for the umpteenth time that day.

"Good job, Kurosaki-kun."

Somehow through his completely numbed senses Tatsumi was able to lead him back to Meifu, back to JuOhCho, and back to the shokan division's infirmary. Watari stood, being previously hunched over Tsuzuki, and rushed towards them, his face incredibly serious. Tatsumi nodded in acknowledgement, and Hisoka vaguely realized Tatsumi was no longer guiding him. He wasn't sure if he could walk on his own. "Kurosaki-kun has it." Watari's face didn't lose its serious features or show any real signs of relief.

"The demon was able to completely remove all of Tsuzuki's soul... probably just as you got there." Watari said gravely. Tatsumi, for the second time that day, almost fell. Hisoka just stood rooted to the spot. This was impossible right? They _had_ to have made it in time! He can't have lost him, not when his body was eight feet away and he had the soul contained within him. It wasn't possible; it wasn't… suddenly he was jolted from his thoughts "Bon! Calm down! You have to focus! There might be another way, just stay focused!" Watari was shouting at him shaking his shoulders, and all at once he realized he practically _had_ dropped the barrier separating his soul from Tsuzuki's. He forced back the balance and did his best to stay focused.

"Watari-san, do you know the other way to return Tsuzuki-san's soul to him?" Hisoka was grateful Tatsumi could talk; god knows he stood no chance of this.

"…I have a theory." Which Tatsumi and Hisoka instantly recognized as better than nothing, and looked at him expectantly "You see, Tsuzuki's body is still alive, and Bon there has the soul. What we need is a bridge of sorts to let the soul cross over into its proper place."

"A bridge?" once again Tatsumi asked the question on Hisoka's mind.

"Yes, a personal and precious gesture of sorts that will provide a connection from where the soul is now to Tsuzuki's body. Bon should be able to use the bridge to force Tsuzuki's soul back, even without anything drawing it back in."

"Watari-san, what exactly are you saying?"

"I'm saying Bon has to kiss Tsuzuki."

Kiss Tsuzuki?... ….. …………….What!

"Kiss him?" Tatsumi seemed surprised too.

"Yes kiss him." And next thing Hisoka knew he was standing above Tsuzuki, about to kiss him for the first time, in front of Tatsumi and Watari no less. Even if he couldn't feel it he knew he was blushing. Hisoka felt a little guilty. Of course he had wanted to try kissing Tsuzuki for a while, but not like this. Not when he was unconscious, but if this was the only way to return the soul…

And suddenly he was _doing_ it. He was kissing Tsuzuki, and trying to guide the soul back to the body. Tsuzuki's lips were warm and soft; he couldn't help but close his eyes. He felt warm and safe and it was so nice that Hisoka wondered if he might be able to do this with a conscious Tsuzuki in private later. Another few seconds, when he could feel and distinguish Tsuzuki again and all the warmth he had in him, there was no question of whether this could be done later with a conscious Tsuzuki, because it was so good that there was no way Hisoka would be able to let things turn out any other way. Now he could feel love, that same feeling that he felt the night Tsuzuki had confessed. He felt the emotion that he had been craving, he felt…hands rubbing his back gently?

He pulled back and saw two alert, slightly confused amethyst eyes looking back at him. "Tsuzuki…?" Hisoka asked hopefully.

"I'm here, Hisoka." And for the second time that week Hisoka started crying. Tsuzuki had said his name. He knew who Hisoka was, he remembered. Tsuzuki was back, back here with Hisoka.

"Ah, Tsuzuki," Hisoka could feel Watari's grin "I think bon was having fun." Hisoka wondered if he should punch Watari, but it didn't seem worth it. Not when Tsuzuki had pulled him down and was gently hugging him against his chest. Not when he could feel all the love Tsuzuki had for him for the first time since he confessed.

"It's good to have you back Tsuzuki-san" Tatsumi said smiling gently.

Tsuzuki smiled back "I can't help but wonder where I was, but it sure is good to be back."

Watari smiled and grabbed Tatsumi's hand "We'll leave the explaining up to bon. We'll be right back; we just have to get some things." Watari said dragging Tatsumi out with him.

Once the door was closed Tatsumi turned to Watari "Was it really necessary to have them kiss?"

"Well it didn't hurt anything." Watari said with a shrug.

Tatsumi smiled "No, I suppose it didn't"

Watari then proceeded to glomp the smiling Tatsumi.

It was two days later and everything was completely back to normal. Hisoka usually liked normal, it was safe. But right now Hisoka was realizing that normal had some major drawbacks. Why? Because Hisoka still hadn't told Tsuzuki that he was in love with him. Hisoka shifted a bit on Tsuzuki's couch. He probably should be more grateful for this normal state. After all, it had only been completely normal for an hour and a half now. Tsuzuki had just been released earlier that day; pure exhaustion and a paranoid Watari keeping him in. His emotions had been a steady hum of gentle happiness since everything was explained to him.

Everything including why Hisoka had kissed him.

And Tsuzuki being Tsuzuki instantly dismissed any ideas that Hisoka might share similar romantic feelings. The thought left his mind along with that sweet and gentle hope he had been radiating. It had switched instantly to an 'I'm glad he at least considers me a friend' emotion with an 'I'm glad I got to kiss him at least once' glow in the back. And with Watari popping in every ten minutes (he couldn't really blame him, it served as an office for the man as well) and the fact Hisoka didn't really want to say such things in a hospital of all places, Hisoka had let the man go on with this disillusionment.

He had walked his partner home once he had been released and even offered to make dinner; he'd bought the stuff earlier anyway. He was in the kitchen chopping vegetables and Tsuzuki, unable to keep still after such a long stay in the hospital, was looking for something that probably didn't exist. He could feel the hum of happiness even though he was in the other room. It was relaxing.

And then it had stopped.

It was sudden that it hurt almost as much as having too many emotions in his head, only suddenly he felt nothing. Trembling a bit from the shock he left the kitchen, scared that something had happened even in the safety of Tsuzuki's apartment. He was relieved when he did see Tsuzuki standing there; he was at the door way to the bathroom…

The door way to the bathroom he had never cleaned up.

And then he was feeling again, or rather Tsuzuki was. Guilt, regret, surprise, shame, and fear: all hit Hisoka with the force of a title wave. He walked up slowly, Tsuzuki hadn't noticed him yet, and put his hand on his partners shoulder. The feelings faded again, Tsuzuki buried them deep within himself.

And that's how things went back to being exactly as they had been. Tsuzuki was hiding all of his feelings from everybody, and Hisoka still hadn't told him that he loved him. Now they had finished dinner and were watching TV. Theoretically anyway; Hisoka certainly wasn't watching, and though he hadn't looked he didn't think Tsuzuki was watching either. He doubted he was the only one who hated that things had gone back to normal. Hisoka clenched his fist tightly; he needed to do something about this. Now. It had been horrible when Tsuzuki had lost his memories knowing that Hisoka might never have the chance to tell him. He had to tell him and it had to be now, before normal became okay, before normal became safe again. Or neither of them would change; they would just be perpetually stuck in the quagmire they had been in before. Hisoka took a deep breath and used the remote to shut the TV off. He faced Tsuzuki with a serious expression on his face. Tsuzuki looked surprised and a little frightened, as Hisoka might start hiting him and yelling at him mercilessly. It wasn't making this easier, but he had made up his mind.

"Tsuzuki, I'm in love with you." The first thing he felt was shock. Not that he needed to feel it, it was obvious on Tsuzuki's face that a confession had been the last thing on his mind. But Hisoka had forced himself to look Tsuzuki in the eye because he knew he had too, after so long he absolutely had to. But then something surprising happened, Tsuzuki smiled. In it self that wasn't so surprising but Hisoka had never seen _that_ smile before. He wondered if Tsuzuki had ever smiled so sweetly, so gently before in his life. It looked as if with Hisoka's short statement the weight of the world had been lifted off him.

"…Oh" He said looking at Hisoka as if he were the only other thing in existence, as if everything were perfect. "I love you too, completely." And Hisoka could feel it again that wonderful warmth that radiated from Tsuzuki.

And now Hisoka was smiling, because everything had changed, but it was good - wonderful even. Even though everything wasn't perfect and he knew he hadn't lifted the weight of the world from Tsuzuki's shoulders and even though Hisoka had not become everything he wanted to become. But it would be okay because they could move on now, they could grow and they could do it together.

He had learned a lot that week, about himself and about his partner. He learned they both had a long ways to go, but he also learned that was okay. He also learned that kissing a conscious Tsuzuki in private was a very good thing.

Very, very good.

Owari


End file.
